San Jose Meditation – I Was Able To Find The Reason For My Chronic Depression And Throw Away
Hara Gam / Homemaker
I was born the third daughter out of 6 siblings. My parents gave me much and enough love, but I still felt lonely. Because I never wanted to be at home alone, whenever my parents left me, I cried a lot. Also, at school, I always took my best friend with me wherever I went. After I graduated, I had many relationships, and they told me that I have a strong attachment to people. Even though I was like that, there was one friend who liked me for over 12 years and I eventually married him. After I was married, I had 2 daughters and my life seemed to be happily ever after.
I was a child who felt especially lonely
Our family had to move a lot because of my husband’s job: he was serving as a military sergeant. Usually whenever people move to new environments, they get stressed from having to adjust. But for me that burden I had to bear was so immense because we had to move frequently. My heart always felt as though a hole was punctured into it: cold and empty. I couldn’t relax my mind and I didn’t have enough space in my mind to really be there for anyone. In my own way, I created a fixed mindset. If my husband and daughters crossed that boundary, I couldn’t handle it.
After one month of practicing this meditation, my oldest daughter noticed my change saying, “It feels like I’m living in heaven.” After realizing I was making my family, whom I loved, live in hell, I repented. I constantly viewed the world with my double standards and had many complaints about everything. But once my mind was cleansed, everything became okay.
After my husband quit is job, my family was finally able to settle in Busan since my husband quit his job. When I started working, a coworker recommended I start this meditation. Even though it was a time where I really had to buckle down and focus on my work, I wanted to empty my mind and get organized so that I would be able to work better. Through the meditation, I found the reason why I was not able to bear lonely situations. The roots came from the moment before I was even born.
Understanding, Forgiveness… and Happiness
When she had me, she was very sick. So that my grandparents and family members worried about her, but not me. When I was delivered, I didn’t not cry. Because of that, they thought I was dead, and ignored me. They tried to do their best to save my mom. I heard this story so many times since I was born, but I didn’t realize that it is the root of my loneliness.
Even though I was young baby, I remembered the moment that I was ignored and people paid attention on mom. It must have been scary being born and placed in a different environment, but the infant had a deep memory of the feeling of being neglected by indifference. How scary it must have been.
I shuddered that I had lived suffering by something formed by an environment that was not my fault. As my meditation progressed, the resentment toward my mom slowly healed, with an understanding that it was not her fault and that it must have been heart-broken situation for her that she couldn’t take care of the baby because herself was sick.
Since I completed all the levels of this meditation, I could find my true self completely. I am no longer past me who had been controlled by trauma. I no longer have loneliness, or sadness. My heart used to be empty, but now it is filled with full of happiness. Because I am so relaxed and happy all the time, I am now able to considerate other’s point of view. And I am able to understand them. This is the life that everybody wants to live and I’m living on it now.
